The Price of Remorse
by Amael21
Summary: Goyjo has done something he regrets. He sees only one way to make Hakkai understand. I own nothing Saiyuki, and make no profit. 58. Third installment in the 'Long Life Arc'.
1. Chapter 1

The tall redhead crept down the hall, early dawn light filtering through the single grubby window behind him. Shoeless feet padded, nearly silent, toward the door of his room. Their room. He took a deep breath, held it; put his hand on the doorknob, hoping against hope that the other man was still asleep. He released the breath slowly and carefully, then turned the handle as quietly as he could, pushing the door open a crack. 

"Good morning, Gojyo."

Damn. "Hi," was all he could manage in response as he stepped fully into the room and closed the door behind him. Hakkai stood with his back to Gojyo, folding clothing to be packed; they were heading back out on the road this morning. He had not yet donned his shirt and over tunic. Gojyo could not help but admire the beauty of Hakkai's back in motion, the way toned muscles rippled, bunched, and relaxed as he went about his work. The hanyou bent down to place his boots neatly beside the door, just as Hakkai always asked, and he never did.

Hakkai went about his task, unable to turn around, unable to walk away. He ground his teeth in frustration, anger and sorrow. It was dawn, and Gojyo was slinking in here like a criminal, somehow expecting Hakkai to be sleeping? A knot that had formed in his stomach sometime during the night tightened, almost physically painful. As he folded one of the other man's shirts, he raised his head to look out the window.

The sun was just cresting the hills in the distance, gilding them in liquid gold. Clouds on the horizon, dyed in shades of pink, violet and red, heralded the rebirth of day. Hakkai inhaled deeply, as if he could draw in the serenity and splendor of this unique moment, to hold it inside that it might soothe his aching heart. It could not, and he exhaled, feeling that ache grow and burn in his chest. It was only a sunrise, after all.

"Sanzo wishes to leave early today, so you should hurry. Goku will have breakfast demolished if we're late," Hakkai struggled to keep his voice steady, unaffected.

"Hakkai, look," Gojyo began, taking a few steps across the floor to stand behind the brunette, "I- "

Hakkai went stiff, lifting his head, but refusing to turn around. "Gojyo, please go get into the shower," the youkai interrupted.

"In a minute," Gojyo countered, a slight tone of frustration in his voice. He was afraid; Hakkai was not even acknowledging the situation. A hitch developed in his breathing, and a tight ball of white-hot fear had lodged in his gut, but he was determined to see this through.

"Gojyo, you smell like a cheap whore. Go shower, now. Please," Hakkai's words were like steel encased in velvet: unexpected and painful.

Understanding that this was not the fight to pick, Gojyo hung his head and stepped back a couple of paces. "You'll be here when I get out?" His voice was small and uncertain, though he tried to mask it.

"Aa," Hakkai replied wearily.

While the kappa showered, Hakkai finished packing, then began to tidy the room. He was fully aware that this was someone else's job, but he liked to make other people's lives easier when he could, and besides, he needed the occupation.

He had tried to sleep as the long night passed around him, but the very silence was a bar, screaming loudly in his ear. He was used to the sound of his lover's breathing now, and its absence was deafening. Hakkai had lain awake, a stranger to slumber as a stray thought turned into a fear, the fear became a surety, and the surety became a raging, grasping pain that threatened to swallow him whole.

He had risen with the lightening of the sky, and set to work in the pre-dawn to ready their belongings for the day ahead. The tread of Gojyo's socked feet down the hall had alerted him that the time was at hand, and Hakkai drew a deep steadying breath before the hanyou opened the door. The smell hit him almost immediately, and his heart broke

_wherehaveyoubeenwherehaveyoubeenmineminemine_

a little to have conjecture become reality.

Gojyo stood under the shower spray, lathering his body over and over again, trying to scrub the very memory of this horrible night away. Hakkai was angry now, but he would surely get over it

_ohGodohGodwhathaveIdonewhathaveIdonehehatesme_,

right? After all, it was just once, and he had hated every second of it. All the soft places and inviting roundness that he used to enjoy were meaningless to him now. His lover should be lean here, toned there, and should smell like earth and growing things, not like drugstore perfume.

He put shampoo on his hair for the second time, scraping his short fingernails across his scalp and leaving it tingling and raw. Gojyo was a confirmed ladies' man before this thing with Hakkai had sprung up, and he still liked to look at them. Hakkai had taken that in stride, laughing his little laugh, and seeming to think it quite amusing. He seemed to be utterly sure that Gojyo would not stray from him.

They were running a bit short on pocket money, and Gojyo had gone down to a bar nearby to find a poker game. Hakkai had declined to accompany him, saying that he would like to read one of the books provided in the room. Several drinks, many hands, and no Hakkai later, Gojyo found himself the target of a proposition. The girl was young, and pretty enough. Gojyo was winning, and drunk enough. The rest, as they say, was history.

Hakkai heard the water shut off in the bathroom, and took another deep breath. He sat cross-legged on his neatly made bed, attempting with all his concentration to find his center and relax. He did not want to fight with Gojyo. Fighting never got anyone anywhere. The confrontation, though, was unavoidable. He felt a spasm run through his lips as a vision of what Gojyo had been up to

_getawayslutwhoredonttouchhimMine_.

surfaced unbidden in his mind.

The brunette, the healer, the calm and rational Hakkai, was simply unable to find his balance. This hurt, and he did not know what to do about it. Stay calm, that was what he needed to do right now. No matter what happened, he must remain composed. If he said all the right things, this whole incident would be over in just a few minutes. The knot in his stomach tightened again, and he squeezed his eyes shut until it passed.

Opening his eyes and looking up, Hakkai saw the redhead standing at the foot of his bed, a towel wrapped around his waist, and a bundle of clothing under his arm. Red eyes gazed into green, a question hanging in their depths. Hakkai had no answer, so he looked away, his normally smiling lips set in a firm line.

Gojyo watched the pain fill his lover's eyes before they left his own, and his heart sank. He heaved a deep sigh and crossed the room to find the laundry bag that Hakkai always kept near the foot of one bed; this time near Gojyo's. He placed all of his soiled clothes into the bag

_seeseeseehowIcandothishowIcanchangeforyouallforyou_

neatly, and draping his jacket across the end of his bed. He reached into the pocket, retrieved his smokes and lighter, and offered one to Hakkai, who accepted.

In silence, they lit their cigarettes, awkwardly trying to find a place to begin. After a few moments, Gojyo decided that there was no right way to do this, and just plunged in.

"Hakkai, I'm sorry," he began, his voice tremulous with the weight of the feeling in the words. "I'm stupid, and I didn't think, and I'm so, so sorry." He sat on the edge of his bed, staring at Hakkai's profile, hating himself for what he saw there. It was his sin that caused that look, his stupidity. How could he ever erase that?

The tremor in Gojyo's voice nearly undid him. It was hard to hear that pain, that fear, and to resist the urge to comfort, until it his own pain and anger overtook it. He raised his hand, took a drag of his cigarette, and exhaled slowly before he answered, "It doesn't matter, Gojyo. You're forgiven." He spoke in calm, measured tones, though

_damnyouwhywhywhy_

it cost him much. He took another pull of his smoke and glanced sideways to where the hanyou sat, hunched and miserable looking.

It took a moment for Gojyo to realize what Hakkai had said. "You forgive me? Just like that?" His eyes narrowed as he looked at Hakkai, and the brunette heard disbelief in the tone. He waited for the implications to sink in to the other man

_damnyougonnahurtyouhurtmehurtyou_

before he said anything else. Wariness entered the hanyou's expression.

"Yes," Hakkai continued, amazed at his own capacity for calm, "just like that. You're forgiven, Gojyo. And we're over."

The words slammed into Gojyo with almost physical force. His heart contracted, and he felt as though Hakkai had just punched him in the gut. For a moment, he could not even breathe

_ohgodnononononopleaseyoucantyoucantpleasedontplease_

for the panic clawing its way up his throat. Hakkai could not be serious, it just was not possible. They had spent years working up to this, they were closer than Gojyo had ever been with anyone. They had knocked on death's door together, then run away before it could answer; they had shared drinks, and sometimes cigarettes, and beds, and bodies, and souls. This could _not_ be happening, damn it!

"You …" Gojyo's voice faltered; he cleared his throat, "You can't mean that. Hakkai, you can't mean that! It was stupid, it was a mistake! You can't just end us like that, over something so fucking _stupid_!" He was bordering on hysteria, now. He'd expected a fight, for Hakkai to be hurt, even to be kicked out of his bed for a while, but not this. They were traveling together, and he had thought that they had something unbreakable

_nothiscantbeIneedyouithurtsithurtsplease_

rooted in mutual trust

_trustIbrokeitIbrokethetrust_

and regard. There was no way it could end like this, over a chick whose name had already slipped his mind.

The desperation and pain in Gojyo's words rang through his soul, tearing away at his resolve. Hakkai set his jaw, took the final pull off his cigarette, got up and crossed to the table to put it out in the ashtray there. He found that he could not look at Gojyo now, as he said, "I can, and I am. You're absolutely right that it was stupid, Gojyo. I'm sorry to have to do this, but I can't even look at you right now. You were the one person I trusted, and you have hurt me. I will not share myself or my bed with someone who cares so little for my feelings. I was happy to be your lover, but _I will not be your whore_."

Though he was very agitated, Hakkai was unable to stop himself from reaching out for Gojyo mentally. He felt fear, and disbelief, and far more grief than he had imagined could possibly come from this. A small part of him wanted to turn, to embrace Gojyo, soothe and comfort him, tell him that everything was going to be all right. He steeled his heart against it, reminding himself that

_ohthishurtsidontwanttodontwanttoneedhimwanthimithurts_

the hanyou had betrayed him, and deserved no less.

Eyes the color of blood widened in disbelief. "I don't accept that, Hakkai. I won't accept it damn it! I know you're angry, and hurt, and I'm so sorry. Please, you have to believe me! I'll do anything you want, but don't do this. Come on, hit me! Beat the shit out of me! Yell, punch, kick, bite, I don't care, but I _will not_ accept this"

_anythinganythingI'lldowhatyouwantbewhatyouwantbutpleasedontleave_

Gojyo's breath was coming in great gasps now, and he was starting to shake. He looked down at his hands, and realized that he had forgotten about his cigarette completely. It was burned down to the filter between his fingers. The ash had dropped to the floor when the trembling set in.

Slowly Gojyo rose to his feet, not trusting his legs to hold him. They did, though there was some protest, and he made his way over to the table beside Hakkai, dropping the butt into the ashtray. He felt the smaller man stiffen at his approach. When he was close enough, Gojyo leaned in toward Hakkai's left ear and said, "Please, baby," in a low, quavering voice.

Hakkai closed his eyes against the onslaught of emotion and sensation that accompanied Gojyo's plea, breathed against his ear and neck. "I can't do that Gojyo. Punishing you won't undo what you've done. I'm sorry." Hakkai tried to reinforce his words with calm resolve, but it was rather difficult with the redhead so close.

_couldIcouldIcouldhurtyouhityoubeatyoumakeyoupay_

He was far away, somehow. He heard Hakkai's response as if from down a tunnel. Thoughts refused to form in his mind; he could not think

_noIwontnononomakeyoulistenmakeyoustaymakeyou_

clearly. He heard his own words, but it was as if someone else was speaking, "You're lying to me. This isn't right. Not right. I'll fucking make you listen." He watched his hand, disconnected from his body, obeying a will not his own, he was sure, as it stole up to the silver on Hakkai's ear. Quick as lightning, his large fingers had torn one inhibiting metal clip from the youkai's flesh.

_makeyoulistenmakeyoupunishMAKEYOUSTAY_

"Oh, God, Gojyo. Why?" Hakkai knew that ghosts of vines had appeared all over his body, that his fingernails and teeth were slightly sharper now, and that he would be unable to control his pain, or his lust in a few short moments. "Why?" His voice held a note of anguish that almost made Gojyo regret what he had done. Almost.


	2. Chapter 2

Hakkai turned slowly toward Gojyo, despair and fear visibly giving way to anger, and…something else Gojyo could not identify. The single limiter was a calculated risk. By his figuring, it should be enough to weaken Hakkai's control over his more extreme emotions. Gojyo wanted his lover's true reaction now, not one that had been passed through the filter of Hakkai's polite consciousness. He needed to see the pain he had caused, to feel it to the depth of his soul, to offer himself up in sacrifice to pay for his sin. 

Hakkai squeezed his eyes shut, struggling to control breath that wanted to come in gasps and growls. Hands unconsciously curling at his sides clenched into fists, making sharp nails bite into his palms. The pain was good; it pulled him back to himself. Slowly he opened his eyes again, as he regained command of his mind and body. He was practiced at this; he should be able to endure it long enough to reclaim his power limiter.

"Please give me my limiter, Gojyo," Hakkai growled. His voice, always the first thing to change, was deeper now, rougher. Was it not enough that he had to deal with Gojyo's betrayal? Was it necessary that he suffer this indignity as well? The knowledge that he had absolute mastery of himself was one of the few precepts by which he justified his continued existence. Now his own lover wanted to strip him of even that.

The Gojyo leveled his gaze squarely on Hakkai's as he shook his head; the hand holding the limiter rose to clip it to half-breed's own ear, instead.

The created youkai reached out to snatch the clip from the hanyou, but the other man dodged deftly, evading his grasp. Hakkai read a challenge in Gojyo's eyes, in his stance.

"Why, Gojyo? What could you possibly hope to accomplish by this?" The dark, demanding tone of his voice was at odds with the anguish evident in his words, in his features. Reining in his temper in this state, though not impossible, was taking quite a toll on him. "You…would be…_wise_… to do as I request, Gojyo. I won't ask again."

Behind his eyes, Hakkai could feel the first twinges of what would later become a throbbing headache, precipitated by an increase in senses without the corresponding physiology needed to channel it, and the physical demands of retaining his control.

Gojyo knew he had gone too far to turn back now, though part of him wished he could. Hell, _all_ of him wished he could take the whole thing back, make it so he had come to the bed he _belonged_ in last night. He wished it had never happened, but it did, and he was fully prepared to take whatever consequences were to come. He was certain that Hakkai would not kill him, but that was the _only_ thing of which he could be certain, except that whatever came next was going to be painful in one way or another. This would be, he decided, well-deserved penance. So long as he came out the other side of this still having Hakkai, he didn't care.

"Uh-uh. You can't just fucking walk away all calm, like this never meant anything! It _means_ something, damn it! You'll say it, but you won't _show it to me_, and you can't have it both ways! I want the fucking _truth_ for once, Hakkai!" Gojyo spat acidly. He was terrified. Whatever happened now would set them on an unalterable path; what if he misjudged?

Heretic gold flashed out at Gojyo fleetingly before Hakkai squeezed his eyes shut. Muscles in his jaw twitched; the tendons in his neck stretched until they looked as if they would snap. When Hakkai opened his eyes, both were clear, dark green again, though utterly venomous. "Oh, I do hope that you can forgive me," the polite words imbued with poison, "for having the temerity to get my emotions under control while you were out _fucking…someone…else_. Don't you _dare_ accuse _me_ of lying to _you_. I _never_ have."

"You lie to me every fucking day, man! You and your polite little smile, and your polite little laugh… every one of 'em a tiny little fucking lie. Don't you get that? I took this," the redhead gestured to his ear, where the silver limiter glinted in the light, "'cause I hurt you, and _you won't hurt_. That's fucked up beyond all belief, and I'm not having it. I don't care if it means you beat the living shit out of me, as long as it's what you really feel. As long as it's_ true_." Gojyo subsided as he watched Hakkai bristle at his words. He really, really hoped he was not mistaken. He was pushing pretty hard, and it could put him in a world of hurt, he knew.

"You are treading… dangerous ground… Gojyo."

"And don't I know it, babe." Gojyo rejoined, deadly serious.

Hakkai ground his teeth together again, a low groan escaping him as he once again forced the youkai down.

"_What…what do you want… from me_?" The effort to speak, coupled with his own distress tinged the words with torment, and he hated the sound of it.

"I want you to let it out. Whatever you need. I'll survive. I've spent so much time paying for other people's fuck-ups that it'll be a relief to pay for my own." Goyjo's voice was low, uneven, and determined. Hakkai could feel the resolve radiating off the hanyou, and that scared him, just a little; the beast inside wanted to laugh.

"Gojyo…please… you have to. Stop. Stop… this… I'll hurt you… I don't want… to. Hurt. You." Hakkai's throat tried to choke on the words; his teeth clenched as if trying to bar them in.

"Yes. You do," Gojyo returned, "I'm the asshole who was out fucking around, remember?" His eyes narrowed as he appraised the effect of these words. It was almost enough. "It should have been _you _I was fucking last night."

Gojyo watched the last remaining walls crumble in the depths of his lover's eyes, and he was afraid of it, but he was terrified of losing Hakkai. The well-known smirk settled over his lips as he pushed the final button:

"_Bring it on_."


	3. Chapter 3

It happened so quickly that he did not even have time to register Hakkai's movement before it was all over. In an instant of motion, strong hands seized him, the room spun past his eyes in a blur as he was lifted from his feet for a moment, and suddenly Gojyo was struggling to catch his breath as Hakkai's weight slammed into his back, pinning him against the wall.

"Hgnh!" The soft grunt came on the hanyou's forcibly expelled breath. There was a sharp burning pain in his left shoulder; Hakkai had twisted his arm up behind him, his intensified grip holding it fast. The rough plaster of the wall abraded unprotected flesh where it contacted with Gojyo's cheek and chest. He could feel every inch of the other man, a heated, unforgiving musculature that held him fast.

A low, throaty sort of growl mingled with Hakkai's hot breath against his neck and ear; shivers chased each other down his spine until his knees grew weak. He was glad, for a moment that he was pinned so ingloriously between Hakkai and the wall. He might just have collapsed, were it not for that. It would not do to show that kind of weakness at such a time.

Hakkai breathed in the fragrance of his lover, now seemingly so clean. It was a poor illusion of innocence masking Gojyo's betrayal, a melon-scented lie. He could still smell the woman, a cloying odor of vanilla, too sweet, lurking low down, close to the skin. Something in Hakkai snapped, descending into anger, yielding to the pain that would devour human restraint.

Hakkai squeezed his eyes shut as a shudder wracked him. The desire to exact vengeance upon Gojyo's flesh was strong, intoxicating. It came with a depth of conviction that nearly overpowered his concern for the hanyou, and shook him to the core. He struggled to wield his last tiny sliver of control, to subdue this compulsion before it swelled to consume him, and Gojyo got hurt. He did give some rein to the less dangerous urge to torment.

Gojyo remained crushed tight between Hakkai and the wall. The youkai withdrew a little, sliding his right arm up, under Gojyo's, and across his torso to cup over his left shoulder. Clutching the larger man in this iron embrace, Hakkai pulled him back off the wall as well. He reveled in the slightly rough texture of Gojyo's skin against his own, the silken touch of his damp hair where it fell between them.

"Mmm…you've behaved very badly, love," Hakkai purred into Gojyo's ear, enjoying the way the hanyou's body shuddered against him. He pressed his mouth to the tender juncture of neck and shoulder, nipping in a way that might have been playful, if it had not drawn blood. That obnoxious scent hit him again, firing his rage. His voice was a low bass growl. "I can still smell her on you, Gojyo. The whore's perfume doesn't suit you. "I can _feel_ her reeking touch all over you: here," a sharp nail trailed across bare chest, "and here," down taut abdominal muscles, "and here," strong grip between the legs.

Gojyo winced at this, and Hakkai's lips curled into a satisfied little smile before he released his hold. He put his hand on the other man's waist and curled his fingers until he felt his nails bite into soft flesh. He was rewarded with a soft grunt and the tightening of muscles beneath his touch.

"Did she give you what you were after? Scream your name? She come for you, Gojyo? Was she good? Soft, and tight and sweet?" Suddenly his voice hardened, edged with steel, "Was she _worth it_?"

"Gods, _no_," Gojyo managed to gasp out. It was absolute truth, and he could only hope that Hakkai's current state would not dull his ability to sense that. This was not exactly what he had been expecting when he had appropriated Hakkai's limiter, though it was not enough to make him sorry he had. Hakkai's nails, razor sharp now, despite not having grown much past his fingertips, had left red, burning welts in their wake. Throughout his life, he had sought pain again and again as a way to excise his demons; this was a path he knew well.

Gojyo's hands stole up to rest on Hakkai's right arm, where it crossed his chest. He did not try to pry the youkai's arm away, simply moving with it as the youkai's hand slid down and across, tracing his collarbone until it came to rest around his throat. Later it would amaze him that his trust in Hakkai ran so deep that even in that moment, his only fear was for the possibility of losing the best thing he had ever known.

Hakkai's fingers tightened to hamper Gojyo's breath. When he swallowed, he could feel his adam's apple slide across the width of the other man's palm. He could feel his heartbeat in his throat, and his vision became a little more pronounced, more delineated somehow. This was not something he had ever experienced, from either end. It was inexplicably pleasant in his current abject state; it felt like surrender and atonement. Hakkai was pleased with his passivity, if his low chuckle was any indicator.

"I should like to remind you, _my love_," deep, even tones caressed his ear in a swirl of hot breath, "that you came to me. You came to my bed. You gave yourself to me You chose to be mine, and _no one takes what is Mine_."


	4. Chapter 4

"That's right, babe. Let go. _Do it_," he hissed through bared teeth.

"You…should have been…_here_."

"Uh-huh," Gojyo breathed, and winced as Hakkai's nails bit deeper.

"You…_belong here…with me._" The youkai's voice was contorted with anguish, and the effort not to give in to it. His breath came short, and shaky.

"Aa," Gojyo responded immediately, "so quit fucking around and _do_ something about it!"

Suddenly, the iron hard fingers around his throat stole Gojyo's breath. Another sickening swirl of light and color; he stumbled, just barely catching his footing as his balance threatened to evaporate. Hakkai still stood in his place near the wall, turning on the hanyou a glare that seemed to promise dark and sinister things. Gojyo pulled a deep draught of air through his now burning throat. He could still feel the ghost of youkai fingers there.

A shudder wracked Hakkai's body as he attempted to reassert his human will. Gojyo's gaze never wavered. He watched as his lover's left pupil dilated, then elongated until it was a sliver-thin slit in a deep green iris now flecked with gold. Hakkai squeezed his eyes closed again, taking several long moments to open them this time. Gojyo could almost feel the slow dissolution of Hakkai's control resonating throughout the room.

"_What_…what would you…have me _do_…Gojyo? Hit you? _Rape_ you? _What_?" Hakkai's words came between deep, ragged breaths. He feared now for his ability to hold back in the face of Gojyo's blatant assault against it.

"_Damn_ you, Hakkai! I don't _care_! Pick one!" Gojyo screamed back.

"_Gojyo_…"

"_No!_"Gojyo interrupted, his own nerves fraying at Hakkai's continued obstinacy, "_Do_ something, you prick! I belong to you? Fucking _prove_ it!" Deep red eyes narrowed, matching the drop in his voice, "I'm not _asking_ for mass murder."

_massmurdernotaskingmurderIdidImurderedthemall_

The words struck, a thousand needles of ice and fire, piercing Hakkai's heart and searing him to his soul. For one eternal moment, he was stripped bare of his defenses, left helpless before the will of the ravenous shadows inside. He launched himself across the floor, his right arm swinging a long arc to connect in a vicious backhanded blow to Gojyo's right cheek. The hanyou fell heavily to the floor, stunned. He looked up at Hakkai, pain and surprise in his eyes.

Hakkai watched from a nightmare as Gojyo reached up to swipe the back of his hand across the corner of his mouth. It came away smeared with blood,

_itsredsoredohGODSitssored_

and past collided with present in a moment of pure crystalline agony. Raising his hands, Hakkai saw the color reflected there…thick and viscous, it clung to his skin, the weight of it dragging him down. He took a stumbling step back, but they pursued him, those hands covered in the lifeblood of his friend, his lover, his

_sorryimsorrysosorrydidntmeantohurtyounotyouneveryou_

haven and soul mate.

_Gojyo_

Another step, and still they followed…

Gojyo looked on in horror as Hakkai's soul ruptured, each fracture reflected deep in verdant eyes, every crack etched into the stricken face that beheld trembling hands. He felt this shattering as surely as though it was his, and his heart broke to understand the terrible depth of his trespass.

Senses narrowed to pinpoints, entrenched in the despair of illusory sin, Hakkai reeled and stumbled across the floor of the small room. His feet fell heedless of obstacles or impediments, propelled by shock and loathing to escape the sight, the iron stench of the blood

_GoyjosbloodGojyoshisbloodonmy_

that slicked his skin. He could feel it congealing now, tightening his pores, pulling on the tiny hairs on the backs of his hands, and the beginning of the unclean itch that accompanied it.

Mundane shapes crowded indistinctly in the periphery of his vision; a garbled repetitive sound assaulted his unhearing ears and even his footfalls reverberated from somewhere seemingly outside of himself. Hakkai made to take another step back, a futile attempt to outrun the evidence of his crimes, and came down on the side of his left foot. His body screamed a warning that his insensate brain refused to acknowledge, and he bore down with all his weight on that ankle. The concealed youkai collapsed heavily to the floor, his left shoulder butting against the wall. The muffled sound grew momentarily louder, then retreated to the edge of hearing once more.

"_Hakkai!_" The naked torment in his lover's eyes galvanized Gojyo's gaze and held him immobile. A deep grief gnawed at his gut. _He_ caused this, _his_ stupidity was the reason for that pain. Hakkai stepped on a turned foot and fell gracelessly to the floor. The resounding thump of naked flesh slapping against cold plaster snapped Goyjo out of his inaction.

"Hakkai!" He scrambled to his feet, the rush of blood pounding a rhythm of near panic in his ears; the towel that had clung to his hips fell to the floor beneath him. Heedless of his nakedness, Gojyo stumbled across the few feet that separated him from his mate, coming to drop awkwardly across Hakkai's legs, straddling him.

"Hakkai!" Gojyo called again, inches from the other man's face as he grabbed lean shoulders hard enough to bruise. The deep green eyes remained locked on the hands that Hakkai held splayed stiffly before his face. He dipped and tilted his head in an effort to insinuate himself into Hakkai's line of vision.

Gojyo saw a madness rising in those eyes, and he was afraid of it. A hard knot of fear and guilt rose into his throat, threatening to choke him. The hanyou shook his head to clear it, and swallowed his reactions. Now was _not _the time to indulge such things.

A lock of crimson hair spilled across a quivering palm. Verdant eyes shifted focus. His gaze traveled the line of it,

_blooditsbloodalwaysbloodmovingbloodsomuchblood _

this new thing. Sweeping up past the evidence of the sins of another, Hakkai saw his face reflected in

_redbloodredbloodhisblood_

the scarlet irises of his lover. Hysteria threatened to engulf Hakkai. The proof of his offense assaulted his senses; he could see, could smell and taste the metallic taint of Gojyo's blood in the air. Bile scorched the back of his throat.

_Somebody kill me…somebody kill me…somebody…?_

This plea, this mantra born of slaughter, shrieked and echoed through his mind.

Gojyo sat, focused and alert for any change as Hakkai's gaze shifted. The very air surrounding them seemed to crackle and hum with a strange tension that ran straight to Gojyo's subconscious. He recognized this, deep in his gut, as a flux moment. What happened now could heal, or it could destroy everything.

"Hakkai," he breathed, unaware of having done so. At the lowest edge of his vision, Gojyo saw movement. He barely registered the touch of long, cool fingers against his chest before the pain knifed through his senses. He would bleed and Hakkai would see. Gojyo could not allow that. Hakkai could not see more blood…not like this.

Before his conscious mind could trigger it, Gojyo's body was in motion. His left hand darted up, tearing the appropriated cuff from his ear. Hakkai's eyes were still staring blankly into his, seemingly oblivious to the damage inflicted by his hands. Sharp youkai fingernails knifed deeper as Gojyo leaned forward and canted to the right. Lightning quick, the hanyou arched his arm over his lover's head and clamped the limiter tight to the flesh of its owner. The painful touch relaxed, until it was simply hands resting against his chest once again.

Hakkai's body felt as though it was melting as inhuman tension drained from his muscles. His vision lost its sharp focus. Dangerous corners and razor edges softened and became familiar objects; the disturbing blood on Gojyo's face shifted, resolving into the crimson eyes he knew so well. Reality crept back upon him slowly. With it came the sensation of Gojyo's skin, warm under his fingers. Warm…and _wet_.

Before Gojyo could stop him, Hakkai's eyes darted down to where his fingers lay against Gojyo's flesh. Ten tiny crescents marred the sun-browned skin. Thick red fluid welled out of each, bowing outward briefly before falling to run in rivulets around his fingertips and down Gojyo's torso. He tried to jerk his hands back, but his body was disinclined to obey, and the movement was sluggish. Misshapen, skeletal ghosts of his fingers remained, delineated in damning scarlet.

Hakkai turned his hands, taking in the sight of the _real_ blood now covering them. A familiar stinging filled his eyes, and his fingers shifted, distorting in his vision. His body began to shudder violently as he lifted tear-filled eyes to those of his lover.

"Oh, _gods_, Gojyo," he whispered, through quivering lips, "Oh _gods_…what have I _done_?"


	5. Chapter 5

**_A/N: I'm so sorry that it's taking me so long to get this story out. To everyone who has waited patiently, and encouraged me with your kind reviews, thank you so much. _**

Gojyo quickly covered Hakkai's bloodied hands with his larger ones.

"It's nothing, babe. Don't worry about it. I'm fine." This was not strictly a lie. Physically, he had been hurt far worse in his time, so the fact that his heart had been laid to waste could be hidden. He kept staring into Hakkai's deep green eyes, _just_ green, now that his stolen limiter was in its rightful place once again.

"But…the blood…oh gods the _blood_…" Hakkai's voice was filled with shame and repugnance, "_again…not again!_" Dark, verdant eyes, round and unblinking, seemed to stare right through the protective hands that covered his own. He heaved a deep, shaky breath, "Always this…this…_monster._" The last came in a whisper, nearly a question, defeated and bewildered. Gojyo's breath hitched at the sound of it, at the tears shining terribly in his beloved's eyes, at the naked pain trapped there. If only it had been someone _else_ who had caused this…if only he had not gone out…if only he had fucking well come _home, _damn it! Gojyo's desperate concern for Hakkai could only just barely outstrip his shame and penitence.

"Oh, babe, don't. _Please_ don't. This isn't your fault. 'S'all on me, this time." Gojyo's lower lip began to tremble as he spoke, his own tears threatening at the edges of his eyes and voice. He tried to sound soothing, but he could hear the panicked edge on his own words. How the fuck could he ever have thought

_ImsorrysosorrypleaseforgivemeididntmeanitohgodsPLEASE_

that stealing away Hakkai's control would fix this? How could he have believed, even for a second, that something so simple, so fucking stupid

…_flowersseeflowersbroughtsome flowers…for…you…_

could erase all the pain he had caused?

The hands in his quaked unabated, Hakkai's gaze remained locked to Gojyo's, the raw anguish in it a wrenching accusation

_ImsorryHakkaisorrystupidclumsybad_

of its own.

"Go…Gojyo?" It was a plea from the broken man beneath him, and Gojyo was stunned to realize that Hakkai was looking to him for comfort, to make this all make sense for him, somehow. The irony and abject wretchedness that this should be so, tore through Gojyo's soul, and a loud sob escaped him. He gulped a deep breath and tried to steady himself. This was no time to be breaking down. He made this happen, and it was up to him to patch it up as best he could, though Hakkai might now be forever lost to him.

A loud bang caused both men to look toward the door, which, having been kicked open with some force had ricocheted off the wall and was now traveling back toward the jamb. Sanzo, standing on the threshold, shot out his left arm to halt it before it could close on him. Deep violet eyes narrowed as they took in the scene. Livid spots of color blossomed under pale skin; an expression of pure, murderous rage flooded across delicate features, and his glare came to rest on Gojyo.

"_What. Did. You. Do. Fucktard!_" the priest bellowed, and his voice cracked under the force of it.

This was too much for Gojyo. Hakkai needed him, and this was theirs, alone. He would be damned if the monk or anyone else was going to interfere. Having forgotten his nakedness completely, Gojyo rushed the intruder. He lunged, muscles bunching and flexing beneath his skin, rich crimson hair flying out behind him; a low snarl tore up from his chest to explode from his throat, an inarticulate warning to his prey. The flash of sunlight on metal arched sinuously upward.

Indeed, Sanzo had the gun, always had the upper hand because of it, but Gojyo was a

_bastard_

half-breed youkai, and he was faster. By the time Sanzo squeezed the trigger, the redhead was on him, and the shot went wild as the hand holding the weapon was forced upward. Their momentum carried the pair back out into the hallway, where Gojyo pinned the much smaller human against the wall.

A quick twist of the hanyou's wrist had the end of the revolver's barrel nestled, securely and dangerously beneath Sanzo's jaw. Gojyo's finger covered the priest's on the trigger. His hair was in disarray, but the thick strands falling over his face did nothing to hide the brutal

_tiredofthis_

malevolence that burned behind eyes the color of blood. It would be so easy

_couldkillyou_

just to squeeze that trigger right now.

_endthisbullshit_

He could take Hakkai home. They could

_sofuckingTIRED…_

forget this stupid fucking mission and _go home_.

With a supreme effort of will, Gojyo shoved this down. Hakkai would never forgive him if he killed the fucking monk.

"Listen up, asshole," Gojyo ground out low through gritted teeth, "this has nothing to do with you. You even _try_ to get into this, and I _will_ kill you."

Gojyo thought he saw a flash of fear in those dark violet eyes. He needed end this _right now_, before the monk could trade fear for aggression and one of them wound up dead.

Large, blunt fingers snaked through golden hair, and fisted there. In one smooth, vicious movement, the

_bastard_

hanyou released the monk's gun hand and pulled with that bunched fist. Gojyo's now free left hand came up to shove against the center of his opponent's chest. Sanzo reeled, his arms flailing in a desperate attempt to retain his balance before his legs became entangled in his robes, and he fell heavily to the floor. The gun, jolted from the priest's hand, skittered harmlessly across the rough wooden floor to hit the baseboard on the wall with a soft thud.

Gojyo stared impassively down into Sanzo's furious countenance. He reached up to push his hand through his hair, pulling it back off his face, then let his arm drop limply back to his side.

"Kill me later," he heaved, and stalked back into his room, slamming and locking the door behind him.

Hakkai still sat on the floor, shoulder pressed against the wall, hands splayed out before him, though his gaze remained fixedly on Gojyo. The hanyou crossed the floor on nearly silent feet, and crouched down beside his friend. Scarlet eyes gazed into verdant, the fear and pain he saw there cut Gojyo to the quick. That he had been the source of all of it was a grief beyond anything he had ever known.

Slowly, eyes never wavering, Gojyo reached out to slide his arms around the slightly smaller man. Once his left arm was positioned securely between the middle of Hakkai's back and the wall, he used his right hand to pick up Hakkai's left and wrap that arm securely about his own neck. He then put his free arm under the crooks of Hakkai's bent knees, and stood, lifting the other man with him.

As Gojyo took a moment to steady himself on his feet, Hakkai looked up at him. No knowing what else to do, he offered a tender smile, filled with reassurances he did not feel. Something in Hakkai relaxed then, and he leaned his head to rest against the hanyou's chest with a tiny, indecipherable sigh. Grateful for this, Gojyo turned his steps toward the bathroom.

Once they entered, Gojyo, carefully planted Hakkai back on his feet, and held him by the arms until he was stable. Then, turning quickly, he flicked on the light. A glance back assured him that Hakkai was still all right, so he leaned over to the shower stall to crank the water on. He adjusted the temperature, pulled the curtain, and turned back to the healer.

Gojyo had never been much of a crier, but he felt now like the most wonderful thing in the world would be to be able to break down and give vent to the anguish in his soul. His lover stood before him now, wearing nothing but jeans, his hair in disarray, rivulets of dried blood staining his hands, unmitigated misery etched in every line and plane of his beautiful features. Gojyo's stomach lurched, and for a terrible instant, he felt as though he might

_Run_

throw up. He had never been the perpetrator of so very much wrong to another in his life, and it drove like nails into his soul.

A deeply rooted panic began to flutter, somewhere in the darkest recesses of Gojyo's mind. He tried to reach out for Hakkai, but his body would not obey, caught in a flash of

_Runjustrunaway_

sudden conflict that held him fast. What right did he have to play this role now? How could he be protector _now_, after what he had done? He had been crazy to think that he could do this in the first place, and there was no way that he could fix it now. Maybe he should just

_disappearleaverunhide_

call Sanzo and let him deal with it. That might be the best thing for Hakkai.

He should have just let Hakkai go, but he had wanted to assuage his guilt. He thought he had it all figured out then, but really, he had only succeeded in adding insult to injury, and damaging the only person he had cared about since he was eight years old. Hakkai deserved better, and he would be better off if Gojyo

_Leavegoandleavehimalone_

was not around to hurt him like this. Maybe…

A tiny mewling sound drifted in through the fog of Gojyo's thoughts, pulling him back to reality. Hakkai stood before him, half-naked and looking lost and fragile…Gojyo shook his head vigorously to clear it. What the hell had he been thinking? When had he turned into such a coward? Like hell he was going to abandon his best friend just because he was afraid. Gods, it was his fault that Hakkai was like this, and he was disgusted that any part of him was willing to run. Shoving down all of these extraneous thoughts, Gojyo lifted his arms and stepped forward to place his hands on Hakkai's trembling shoulders.

"Shh, babe," he gentled. "Everything's going to be all right. We're just going to get into the shower now, okay?"

Hakkai hesitated, then gave a little nod. Gojyo's shoulders dropped a bit, his tension ratcheting down a notch at the acknowledgement. Slowly he reached down to the button that fastened Hakkai's pants and popped it open, the pulled the zipper down. Hooking his thumbs under the waistbands, he pulled both pants and underwear down over Hakkai's hips and lowered them to the floor. Standing, Gojyo took the other man's hands in his own, helping him to step out of the garments.

He kept Hakkai's right hand in his left, and stuck his other arm into the shower to ensure that the water was still warm enough. He was not sure how long he had been standing there, panicking like an idiot, and he did not want to shove Hakkai into icy water, on top of everything else. Fortunately, this inn had some things going for it. It did not run out of hot water quite so readily as many, for instance.

Gojyo pulled the curtain back a bit, on the side away from the spray, and pulling Hakkai gently with him, he stepped backward into the stall. The disoriented youkai followed, and allowed himself to be directed carefully to stand under the spray. The showerhead was not of the best kind, so the water did not cover much area. Gojyo was already freezing from standing in nothing but the cast-off that bounced from Hakkai's body, but he ignored it and grabbed the soap.

When Gojyo returned his gaze to Hakkai, he had to suppress a small giggle. The brunette had not moved since Gojyo had placed him under the water, and he looked something like a drowned rat. Thick, unruly dark hair had been partially flattened by the spray, but there was a shock right at the front that was still sticking up in it's usual defiant manner. Droplets of cast-off adhered to the bits that were not outright soaked, and these dripped of the ends of Hakkai's hair. The expression on his face was still blank, but in this context, it made him look slightly angry. Gojyo had once seen that exact expression on a cat that had been caught in the rain, back home.

With infinite tenderness, Gojyo reached out and swiped a hand through Hakkai's bangs, slicking them back, under the water. Hakkai closed his eyes with the contact, a small sigh escaping him. Now his shoulders dropped a little, finding some little release in the redhead's touch. Relief cascaded through Gojyo, and he focused once again on his task.

The blood that had dried on Hakkai's hands was breaking apart, some detaching and sliding off his skin to go swirling harmlessly down the drain. There were places, though where it had separated as it congealed, as blood was wont to do, which were being somewhat more stubborn. Gojyo took Hakkai's left hand into his and turned it palm up. He used the bar of soap to describe slow circles into the soiled flesh until a lather formed. Then he put the soap down, and began to knead Hakkai's palm with both his thumbs.

There were two reasons that Gojyo chose this way to clean his lover's hands. He figured that if he applied enough pressure and friction then Hakkai, whose eyes remained closed, might be more inclined to feel that the skin had actually come clean. The hanyou was well aware of the way the mind had a tendency to hang on to the idea of blood on the hands. He'd felt and seen it. Hell, he remembered one time when Sanzo had rubbed the skin on the back of his hand on his jeans until it was raw, trying to rid himself of the feeling. The second reason was something that he had learned from Hakkai himself. He remembered that there were pressure points in the hands and feet that connected to everything else in the body. If he massaged Hakkai's hands well enough, it might serve to help restore his 'center', as the healer would say.

Keeping a careful watch on his friend, Gojyo began to see signs that his ministrations were bearing fruit. The slight crease between Hakkai's eyes smoothed out, and the clench of his jaw relaxed somewhat. He still did not open his eyes, but when he sighed again, Gojyo felt the release as much as he heard it. He moved on to the other hand, taking just as much time with this one, using his thumbs to trace deep lines along the palm, pulling from the wrist toward the fingers. When he felt Hakkai's fingers begin to relax, curling in, he took each of them in turn, and alternately pulled and kneaded, coaxing the tension out through the brunette's fingertips. After some time, Hakkai allowed his head to fall forward slightly, signaling to Gojyo that he was succeeding as much as he could have hoped. Stepping forward, he offered his shoulder for support, gently pulling Hakkai's head close, to rest there. It was his turn to be the pillar, to lend strength and serenity, as Hakkai had so often done for him.

Though touch had never seemed as important to Hakkai as it was to him, Gojyo could feel that this quiet physicality was having a positive effect. He knew instinctively that his touch was a calming, reassuring tether that Hakkai could follow back to reality. To that end, Gojyo gripped the smaller man's arms and pulled him out from under the water. He picked up the soap again and, starting at the collarbone, swept the bar with slow, deliberate movements across Hakkai's smooth chest and shoulders. When he felt that he had created enough later, he put the soap down, and used just his hands. Alternately sliding large palms over pale flesh, and kneading with his strong fingers, Gojyo worked his way all over Hakkai's torso. The slippery soap decreased the friction, allowing skin to slide luxuriously against skin as Gojyo worked to mitigate the damage he had done.

Over strong shoulders and finely shaped pectorals, the hanyou's hands glided, feeling the roll and slide of muscle beneath them. There was a calming for himself in what Gojyo did; he found that within his focus there was a certain release of mind, which just drifted. He began to hum that long-forgotten lullaby once again as he worked. Color began to flow back into Hakkai's unusually pale cheeks and lips. Gojyo thought for a moment, that it was like watching him come back to life, somehow. Hakkai's taut abdomen flowed past under Gojyo's fingers, interrupted only by the jagged scar that angled low across it. The feeling of the rubbery skin there was familiar to him now, and no longer caused that tightening of his belly that it once had.

Hakkai flinched at the contact, though; he had never done that before. Gojyo pulled away briefly, hurt. He considered for a moment and then, watching the other man carefully, he gently placed his palm flat against the scar. A nearly imperceptible twinge crossed Hakkai's face, and his abdomen instantly pulled in, away from the touch. The hanyou could not have explained what he felt there, or why he pressed in, keeping flesh tight against flesh. He closed his eyes then, as a tingling heat seemed to work it's way out through his hand, crawling up his forearm toward his elbow. Muscles held tight, then started to tremble; Gojyo kept contact. After a time, the heat and tingling lessened, eventually replaced by comparative coolness and Hakkai relaxed into his touch. He did not even need to look to know that the slight grimace was gone.

Gojyo stopped briefly to renew the soap on his hands before shifting his attentions to Hakkai's shapely arms. As he pulled both hands down first one, then the other in a slow rhythm, the shape and definition of those arms called to mind all the times that they had held him. He remembered the way he had felt safe then, as he never had with any other, cared for with a depth and tenderness that outshone anything he had ever known. For a moment, Gojyo's movements slowed as he contemplated the very real possibility that they might never hold him again. Perhaps Hakkai would be willing to let Gojyo just hold him now and then, to return some of that security and comfort. He struggled to keep himself under control, fought to return to that calm place he had found, absorbed in his task. Being thus distracted, he was completely unaware of the deep green eyes that regarded him through slitted lids.

The kappa gritted his teeth together, swallowing his fear and grief. He would let all that out later, at a more appropriate time. It was something else he had learned from Hakkai, this ability to define and delay. His pain could wait until he had dealt with the pain he had caused. Tenderly Gojyo gripped Hakkai's shoulders, turning him around. Once again grabbing the soap, he ran it quickly under the spray from the showerhead, and lathered his hands.

The urge ran strong in Gojyo to use this quiet, intimate time to try to explain, and he tried to channel all the remorse that he felt into his touch. The deep pink scar that angled across Hakkai's back seemed to scream accusations at him. It had been that wound that brought them together like this, on a long, tense night that had revealed to Gojyo the true depth of his feelings, and a burgeoning desire. He carefully slid his hands over the raised flesh there, noting the tiny pucker that was the result of his own stitching. Hakkai was always the one wounded, it seemed. Now Gojyo's touch carried all his silent promises never to be the one to wound again.

As Gojyo worked his way down, covering Hakkai's legs now with the rich, silky lather, Hakkai kept his eyes closed and just _felt_. Gojyo was infusing his touch with everything he was feeling, not realizing that in a very real way, Hakkai was receiving all of it. The green-eyed youkai was sensitive to the changes in his friend's energy, sensing each change in temperature and intensity. His mind was flooded with the colors of Gojyo's emotions. He thought that he was beginning to understand some things.

Now that Hakkai had been thoroughly rubbed down, Gojyo reached out to turn him around again, and pulled him gently back under the shower spray. He continued to run his hands gently over Hakkai's flesh, ensuring that all the soap was washing away. There was a sense of relief in the room, practically palpable. The fog around Hakkai had thinned. When Gojyo straightened from rinsing Hakkai's legs, he pulled back slightly and looked up, to find himself staring into the fathomless green eyes of his companion. What he saw there was guarded, but gentle. Before he could stop himself, he had leaned forward to rest his forehead against Hakkai's collarbone. Strong wet arms encircled him and held on until the water began to cool.

Hakkai reached over to turn the shower off. Having collected himself, Gojyo took the reins once more. Though Hakkai wanted to help, fearing that Gojyo would get too cold if he didn't dry off, he made no move to interfere as the hanyou dried him off instead. It was obvious to Hakkai that this was something that Gojyo needed to do, and so he allowed himself to be wrapped in a large towel, and waited silently as the redhead dried himself off.

Gojyo was not as astute as Hakkai in his observations, but he had felt things change while they were in the shower. Hakkai still had not said a word, but he was back now and that terrifying blankness was gone from his countenance. Perhaps now they would be able to talk. Once he was dry, Gojyo reached over to take Hakkai's towel from him, folding it haphazardly over the bar before scooping the youkai up into his arms. Hakkai was surprised by the action, but did not protest as he was carried bodily over to the bed that he had 'occupied' the night before, and deposited gently on it.

Still not speaking, Gojyo reached down to pull back the cover and the sheet. Hakkai obligingly moved, scooting up and pulling the bedding out from under himself. With Hakkai positioned and covered, Gojyo climbed in beside him, leaning against the headboard. When Hakkai leaned in close to him, Gojyo raised his arm out of the way. Hakkai silently laid his head on Gojyo's chest, and Gojyo wrapped his arm around Hakkai's shoulder, pulling him close.


	6. Chapter 6

They lay there like that for some time. The sun rose in its slow arc and flooded the room with rich amber light that faded to a soft yellow as the morning wore on. Gojyo remained as still as possible, propped in a semi-recline against the headboard with his right leg crooked at the knee. Draped across him, Hakkai lay with his head pressed to the hanyou's chest and his left arm curved across his abdomen. The healer listened intently to the soothing rhythm of the heartbeat under his ear, and his breath slowed to match Gojyo's.

For a while, neither man said anything, loath to break this peace to voice thoughts half-finished and uncertain. Their minds reeled and tumbled, turning over and over, the events just past and working to find a way to bridge the distance that now lay like a chasm between them. The feeling was familiar to one, though he had never been betrayer and unknown to the other, who had never been betrayed. Bodies clung together, hearts reached each toward the other, and minds struggled for the words to bind the wound.

Gojyo agonized over what to say to Hakkai, how to voice all that he felt, all the things he wanted to take back, the things he wished he had never done. The words refused to form coherently on his lips, and so he settled for the ones that really mattered.

"'Kai, I'm so sorry," he whispered.

Hakkai simply nodded, unable to trust himself to speak. The misery in Gojyo's voice struck at his heart. He wondered what he was supposed to do, now. He knew that he should be angry, that he should leave, that he _should_ react in any number of ways that he did not feel. His mind roared defiance against treachery, but his heart cried out for the one who had reawakened his soul. For now, he would stay here, close to the warmth, flesh and scent of home.

"Hakkai?" Gojyo spoke a little louder this time, but his voice cracked from the combination of overuse earlier, and disuse in the two hours since. "I have no right, but," he swallowed heavily, "will you ever be able to forgive me?"

Hakkai's left hand drifted upward, trailing fingertips lightly across exposed skin. Gojyo hissed a breath inward as goose bumps materialized in the wake of the healer's touch. Clear green eyes followed the movement, until both hand and gaze hovered over small crescent-shaped lacerations. Hakkai's middle finger dipped below the rest to touch one gently. He could feel the metallic taint of the congealed blood on his tongue, as if transmitted through his touch. Catching a piece of his lower lip between his teeth, Hakkai silently nodded again. Gojyo's heart had slowed through this, as he held his breath in anticipation of the brunette's response, and now it raced as he exhaled. Hakkai lost himself for a moment in the sound of it.

Gojyo knew he should be relieved, and he was, but the feather-touch of thick chestnut hair as it whispered against his skin reminded him of what else he stood to lose, and he could not yet be easy. Though his indiscretion had served only to prove its own worthlessness in his mind, he understood that Hakkai might never be able to see it so. What Gojyo had done was something akin to blasphemy in his lover's mind, and he doubted that even Hakkai-depth patience and understanding could easily get past it. The gods knew, had it been Gojyo sitting alone in this room the night before, while Hakkai… no, that thought _stung_.

Contemplative silence settled once again, and Hakkai waited, still running that fingertip over and over tiny wounds in sun-darkened skin. Pressed tight against Gojyo's body, he was receiving a thousand tiny clues from the other man. Changes in breathing depth and frequency, tiny fluctuations in temperature, the tempo of his heartbeat, the flow and shift in his energy patterns, all Hakkai's spies, counseled him now to quiet. The healer heeded them and allowed this time of peace between them, though the very air was heavy with things that lay still unsaid between them. He could wait for Gojyo. It was enough, he decided, just to be close like this for a little while.

Hakkai's tiny movements slowed as something seemed to shift inside him. Another dip of his finger, another faint touch and that taste of copper on the back of his tongue again…his stomach constricted, suddenly and somewhat forcefully. The acid taste of bile rose in his throat, and he could not stop his face twisting into a grimace. Now that his concentration had returned, he began almost by reflex to gather his energies and a slowly intensifying light grew around his fingertips.

Gojyo had closed his eyes. He found that it felt easier to listen to and make sense of his tumultuous thoughts in this way. The warmth and smell, the feel, the presence of Hakkai by his side was a balm to his senses. Still he searched for the words to express all that he now knew, all that he had discovered in his heart. Gojyo had never been much of a wordsmith, relying more on his body to say what his mouth could not, so finding the right words to convey feelings he had never before experienced was a bit of an uphill battle. Thus, he was lost in a thought when he became ware that there was a slight warmth and tingling seeping into the right side of his chest. He knew without looking and without doubt, that Hakkai was healing the small wounds left in the flesh by preternaturally sharp fingernails. Gojyo reached up to grasp Hakkai's hand gently, and pull it away from himself.

"Hakkai, please…don't," he quietly requested.

"Why?" the healer questioned back, his voice low and tight. He was somewhat bewildered by Gojyo's soft refusal. He had left the wounds as long as he could, knowing that in some way, they were a penance that Gojyo craved. He had laid his head over them, looked at them, touched them, and now he wanted nothing more than to make them disappear.

"'Cause it's my fault. I did what I did; I gotta live with it. 'Sides, they don't hurt now."

"But," Hakkai began, but his voice faltered. Gojyo, still holding those long, cool fingers, waited. "Please, Gojyo. I am so ashamed. The memory of this morning will never leave either of us. Is it not enough? The consequences are not yours alone."

Once again, Gojyo was blindsided by his own capacity for selfishness, and he mentally kicked himself for not seeing it sooner. How much bigger a jackass could he be? Of _course_, Hakkai would want to heal the lacerations he had made. If Gojyo refused to allow it, what of Hakkai's feelings? If they should scar, what would Hakkai see when he looked at them, what would he feel? Self-loathing was Hakkai's specialty, and the last thing he needed was fuel for the fire.

"I'm sorry," he whispered again, and released Hakkai's fingers. That warm tingle penetrated Gojyo's flesh again, and in the dark place behind his eyelids he could almost see his skin knitting together. It was a strange sensation…most of the time, anyone in need of Hakkai's talents was unconscious, and so Gojyo had never had the opportunity to really consider what it felt like, before now. It was very similar to the feeling he had experienced in the shower, with his palm pressed to Hakkai's belly, except that now the energy was flowing into him, rather than escaping through him. When he gave it his full attention, Gojyo realized that the warmth was pulsing. An image formed in his mind of tiny waves; the way they curled under and rolled over each other to kiss the shore _looked_ the way this _felt_.

One by one, Hakkai coaxed the small wounds shut, leaving no physical trace that they had ever existed. When the right side was done, he lifted his head from its resting place against Gojyo's chest; the place where it had been felt cold now, in the absence of contact. Soon another warmth infused Gojyo's flesh and again the image came, of rolling waves lapping gently at sand. He visualized the tiny cuts closing, the skin growing rapidly over them, the angry red fading to a livid pink, then paling to become indistinguishable from the rest of his flesh.

A soft grunt issued from Hakkai, prompting Gojyo to look at him. There was a tiny crease in the place between the brunette's dark, shapely brows, and a slight downturn to his lips. He was staring fixedly at the place he had just healed.

"What?" Gojyo inquired quietly. He didn't like that look at all.

"Hmm?" Hakkai jerked his head up to meet Gojyo's gaze. "Oh, I'm sorry Gojyo. It's nothing." With that, he filed the fact that Gojyo had healed a little too rapidly away in his brain, for later consideration. There might be possibilities in the things that the hanyou had done there and in the shower earlier.

The healer wanted to lie down again, to rest his head on Gojyo's chest and pretend that everything was all right now, but he did not. Everything was _not_ all right, and there were things that needed saying now, no matter how painful they might be. Both men were tired, worn out in the aftermath of emotion and adrenaline, and neither was looking forward to discussing what had happened during the night and the morning just past. That did not negate the need, however, and they both knew it.

Gojyo had not moved his arm down into the space created by the absence of Hakkai's body. He wanted the other man to come back, wanted to be able to hold him while they talked, in case it was to be the last time. He wanted this, but he dared not ask, and Hakkai did not come back. Instead the converted youkai sat straighter on the bed, crossing his legs comfortably beneath himself, and leaning forward onto elbows that he propped on his knees. Gojyo reluctantly gave up, and lowered his arm to his side. His right hand automatically roamed over to the nightstand, and grabbed the pack of cigarettes that he had placed there a few hours and a lifetime ago. Shaking one out, he offered it to Hakkai first, then placed it between his own lips when the brunette shook his head.

Hakkai watched as Gojyo grabbed the lighter, flicked it into life, and casually tilted his head down to catch the tiny flame with the tip of his smoke. Once satisfactorily lit, the hanyou tilted his head back, and Hakkai watched the movement under his jaw as he used his tongue to draw the smoke from the little cylinder before reaching up with his left hand and plucking the cigarette from his mouth. It was a series of movements that Hakkai knew well, a ritual that he had observed innumerable times during the last few years. It both relaxed and excited him with its familiarity. The truth of the matter was, that though he sometimes complained about it, Hakkai loved to watch Gojyo smoke. The habit was so much a part of him, so comfortable that it had a kind of grace, a beauty to it that the smaller man had always found to be very…_engaging_. Oh, he knew that it was a bad habit, and dangerous to Gojyo's health and his own. He also knew that it was sexy as _hell_.

The silence stretched around them as Gojyo placed his hands in his lap, the left curled loosely around the right, and bowed his head. Strands of brilliant red hair slid down to curtain the sides of his face as he blew a thin stream of smoke through the corner of his mouth. The posture pulled his shoulders in and forward, tension hunched them up slightly. He looked small, afraid and resigned all at the same time, penitence written in every line of his body. Hakkai waited, and Gojyo tried to pull himself together.

After some time, Gojyo looked up at his companion, though he did not raise his head. His eyes were unguarded and worried; he was the picture of misery. It pained Hakkai to see this, but he could not give comfort now. Gojyo had betrayed him twice over, and it was imperative that they deal with those acts and the reasons behind them. Hakkai had said more than once that he had a very small heart, and he knew it to be the absolute truth. Occasionally, the healer still fell prey to his baser instincts, sliding back into old, long abandoned patterns of behavior. He realized now, that his earlier decision to end the romantic relationship between them without explanation was rash, made more for the purpose of vengeance than from any true consideration of the situation.

The two regarded each other, nearly impossible green and vivid crimson reaching out across the fathomless thirty-six inch chasm between them. Gojyo sighed, dropped his eyes and took another pull from his cigarette. It was obvious to him that Hakkai was waiting for him to start talking, and on the exhale, he began.

"Look, 'Kai...I'm not good with words, like you. I wanna explain, but I don't know how."

"Well," the healer responded in a soothing tone, "why don't you just do the best you can? I have become fairly skilled with deciphering Gojyo-speak over the years, you know." He offered a small smile, and Gojyo could not repress a chuckle. Somehow, Hakkai always had the right words, the right tone and expression…he was always just…_right_.

"I'm just so _sorry_, 'Kai. I'd rather cut my own fucking throat than hurt you. You know that, right?" Again Gojyo met Hakkai's cool, verdant eyes. He knew what was coming next.

"Then why, Gojyo? Why did you do it?" Hakkai's voice was gentle, though obviously under tight control.

"I don't know, man. I found a game, and after a few hands, I started wiping up the table with these fucking losers…next thing I know, I'm fucking loaded, and I start thinking about how this shit oughtta be fun, but it's not. It's not. So then I start thinking about why that is, and it hits me that it's 'cause you're not there. I wanted you to be there _so fucking bad_, man." The hanyou had begun rubbing the backs of the knuckles on his right hand with the palm of his left as he spoke, his cigarette hanging forgotten between his fingers. By the time he stopped talking, the rubbing had become a grip so tight that it caused a trembling.

After a time, Gojyo took a deep breath and continued, "You…you gotta understand…I was on my own when I was eight. My whole family was either dead or gone. I learned how to not need them…how to not need anyone. I got to where I was self…uh…" Hakkai watched as the other man's left hand rose and began describing circles in the air, his face screwed up in thought. "Self…aw, _fuck_…'Kai?"

"Self-sufficient," the brunette supplied quietly.

"Yeah! Yeah, self-sufficient. Thanks, man."

Hakkai nodded in response, and waited for Gojyo to continue.

"I lived like that for a long fucking time. I got older, I learned to play cards, learned to cheat so I could eat once in a while. Even then, the people I met…well shit, you met fucking Banri. Wasn't like I was heartbroken when that fucker skipped town, y'know?" Here Gojyo paused once again, trying to make sense out of the maelstrom in his mind and put some kind of filter between it and his mouth. He knew his penchant for saying incredibly stupid things in tense situations, and he could not afford such a mistake now.

In the stillness of the room, Hakkai shifted his legs a little, and the rustle of the bedclothes as he did so was loud in their ears. He watched the play of emotion and thought across Gojyo's face, counseled himself to patience and remained silent.

"It's just…" Gojyo began again, but struggled once more as the words slipped away. He was barely even aware of his reasons himself, and looking at Hakkai's carefully blank expression was damned distracting. He gathered a deep breath and tried again, "It's just that I never felt like that before, like I _needed_… I mean, I _wanted_…but I…I never…I..." Hakkai noticed, though Gojyo did not, that the hanyou's hands had begun to clench and release, manifesting his frustration as language failed him.

"_Shit!_" The expletive positively exploded from Gojyo's mouth as his head dropped, and his left hand came up to meet and cradle it. His cigarette was dangerously close to his hair, and Hakkai reached up to gently pull it from between large calloused fingers. Having no ashtray close to hand, he licked his fingers and gingerly squeezed the cherry until it went out.

The danger of sudden conflagration now past, Hakkai palmed the cigarette butt in his left hand, while he reached up to touch Gojyo's shoulder with the other.

"Gojyo," the healer intoned quietly, "I think I understand what happened, now. May I try to give voice to your thoughts? It might be easier for you that way, and if I'm correct, all you have to do is say yes. If I'm not, maybe it will help you find the right words, anyway."

Gojyo lifted his head to meet Hakkai's cool green gaze with tormented crimson, and nodded gratefully. "Yeah. Thanks."

The youkai offered a small, but genuine smile and squeezed his companion's shoulder briefly before letting his hand slide away, trailing fingertips over well-known flesh.

"You mentioned that you weren't enjoying your evening, did you not?" Gojyo nodded again. "And when you thought about why, you thought that it might be because you were missing my company, yes?" This time a sigh accompanied the nod. "Please forgive me for asking, Gojyo, but did you love your mother?"

The redhead cast his eyes down and bit his lip, pain creasing his brow.

"Yes." The reply, issued through slightly quivering lips, was barely audible. It sounded to Hakkai's ears like all the torment of Gojyo's life was present in that one word and he grieved for it.

"Your brother left right after her death, and you never allowed yourself to become attached to anyone after that?" Hakkai made sure to keep his voice low and gentle. This was a sensitive area, and he did not wish to cause any more pain than necessary; were it not for the situation, he would never dream of questioning Gojyo this way.

"I guess so, yeah," Gojyo answered, only slightly louder than before.

"And so, when you realized that you wanted me to be there so badly…did it frighten you?"

"Yeah," the hanyou sighed, resignation floating on his breath, "Yeah, it really did."

With his eyes still firmly fixed on the bed below him, Gojyo was completely unaware of the minute softening of Hakkai's features and the fleeting smile that ghosted across his mouth. It was just as well; even Gojyo, who knew Hakkai better than anyone else in the world, might have misunderstood that expression.

"So," Hakkai began again, "what you're saying is that, of the two people you have ever loved, one scorned you, ultimately trying to kill you; the other loved you enough to kill for you, but then left you to fend for yourself. And you've been far too afraid to love anyone else." Here Gojyo punctuated with a nearly imperceptible nod and a muffled sound that Hakkai would never admit he knew was a sob. "All right, let's take a look at us, now," he continued. "You and I have been friends for close to four years now, Gojyo. You saved my life the first time you ever saw me, and we lived together for three years before we started on this mission. Did you honestly not know that we have grown to care for each other during that time?"

"Hnh," Gojyo grunted, a sound that tried to convey a sentiment halfway between disbelief and wry amusement. Hakkai looked at him, puzzled. He was not sure what to make of this reaction, so he did what he did best: he called up his patience, and he waited. Gojyo, for his part, was quickly moving from grunts to outright laughter. Hakkai's lips thinned to a tight, white line as he listened. It had been a long and difficult night, followed by an even longer and more difficult morning, and even he had his limits.

"Gods, Hakkai!" Gojyo managed between chuckles, "You kill me…"

"Excuse me?" Hakkai rejoined, his deadly serious tone conflicting with the bewildered expression on his face. The gravity in his voice did not, however, have any immediately appreciable effect on Gojyo's sudden, inexplicable hilarity. A few moments passed as the brunette held his temper, and the redhead slowly controlled his laughter.

"You're so fucking smart you just go right out the other side, you know that?" Gojyo stated, when he had sufficiently subdued himself.

"_Excuse _me?" Hakkai repeated, the edges of his patience fraying as quickly as his confusion rose. This sudden about-face was too quick for even him to follow easily, and he was distinctly unimpressed with being laughed at just then.

"Man, I so wish you were a chick…" laughter chased Gojyo's words once again.

"_Excuse. Me?_" This came in the voice that even Sanzo feared, the one that meant that Hakkai had reached the end of his tether. Gojyo smothered his laughter as quickly as he could, and swiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. He raised his eyes to stare directly into Hakkai's deep, verdant ones, all mirth now gone.

"If you were a chick, I could marry you," he said, evenly and earnestly.

"E…ex…cuse…?" Under normal circumstances, Hakkai would have laughed this off as a joke…but these were decidedly _not_ normal circumstances, and in any case, Gojyo's gaze was undeniably serious.

"I said I would marry you, Hakkai. I didn't just get scared 'cause I love you, you idiot. I got scared fucking _shitless_, 'cause…'cause I'm _in love with you_."

"Erm…I…oh," Hakkai replied, somewhat bereft of his usual eloquence.

"Listen, Hakkai…I don't know what the fuck made me freak out last night. But I got it now. Or maybe I always had it and was just too stupid to see it. Hakkai, I…just…I love you. I love you, and…and you're where I wanna be." Gojyo's tone and words were heartfelt and earnest, strangely reinforced by the fear lurking deep in his crimson eyes.

"Well," Hakkai returned, "I'm not sure what it is… that you want me to say to that, Gojyo." The hanyou's face fell, shifting into the very picture of misery. "You're telling me now that you would _marry_ me? Where was that sentiment last night? Or did you find it in that woman's bed?" Hakkai knew that he was being unfair. His words, designed to hurt, were doing their job admirably…but he was hurting, too. Though he understood Gojyo's actions, Hakkai also understood that he needed to do this; even the infliction of pain on his best friend and lover was necessary now, if the wound in Hakkai's heart was to heal, instead of festering.

As Hakkai spoke, Gojyo's shoulders rolled slowly forward, his eyes dropped, and a kind of wince pinched up his features. It was almost too much, hearing those words on Hakkai's lips, seeing that anguish written into every line of his body…every bit of which was Gojyo's fault. Usually, the hanyou's first reaction to any personal attack was defensive, but he allowed that to drift by this time. Hakkai was the only person who had ever loved him enough to kill for him and _not_ leave. Gojyo could not to soil that further with excuses.

"I'm so sorry, Hakkai. Really, you don't know how much I fucking hate to tell you that you're right. I was a complete dumbshit asshole for doing it…but I guess in a way…in a way, I kind of did find it there…in her bed." Gojyo still looked down. He was so afraid to see the look in Hakkai's eyes when he said these words, that he simply could not raise his head. He took a deep, steadying breath, and continued, "What…what I mean is…is that," here he did lift his head, and his gaze met Hakkai's, "I hated every second of it. I…I don't think I was very nice to her…" Once again he dropped his eyes. The shame that crept into his voice now was unmistakable, and Hakkai thought better of the interruption he had been about to make. After a moment, Gojyo went on, "See, I…everything started out fine, but I…after a while, I started to get…mad…I guess. I got mad at me for being such a fucking dick…and then I kinda…got mad at you, a little, for being here, waiting for me. Then I guess I got mad at her. It wasn't her fault…but…but all of a sudden I just…I just fucking _hated_ her. I hated her…for not being _you_. I think I might have gotten too rough… She never said anything, but…" This time, when he raised his eyes, they shone with standing tears. "So," he said shakily, "yeah…I found it there…when I figured out that…that anybody that's not _you_…"

When Gojyo trailed off this time, Hakkai felt that it would be prudent to step in. "Okay. Okay, Gojyo," he began, "First, I need to ask you…this girl…she was all right when you left her, yes?" Gojyo nodded. "Good. We'll deal with the question of her later." Gojyo appeared to relax just a little at that.

"Now, I just need to get this straight, okay?" Hakkai continued softly, "You're telling me that you were unsure until you were…_with_...that woman, that it was then that you figured out that you're in love with me?" He paused here, and Gojyo nodded again. "And so now, you're sure? Now you're certain that you can, and that you want to, be with only me?" Nod. "What if you get scared again? Will this be the result?" The words were venomous, but somehow Hakkai simply could not get his tone to match. He was tired, and he knew the answer, but he needed to hear it from Gojyo.

Again, Gojyo raised his eyes to those brilliant green ones he so loved, and said, "I know you've got no reason to believe me…but I swear, if you give me another chance, 'Kai…I won't ever hurt you like this again. I'm still scared right now. I've never been in love before…I don't know how. But I wanna learn." By the time he finished speaking, a kind of tentative resolve had crept into his voice; he still didn't know which way Hakkai was going to go, and he didn't want to jinx it.

"Okay," Hakkai sighed, "I'll accept that." Gojyo's body visibly sagged with relief, though he didn't dare allow more than a small smile to pass his lips. It was a wasted effort, as the joy he felt was more than evident in his eyes. "Now," here Hakkai held up his forefinger, and Gojyo tensed up again, "why did you take my limiter?" There was a piercing quality to Hakkai's gaze now, and Gojyo felt a sudden rush of shame. He had forgotten about that.

"I'm sorry," he said again, though now, as before, it was painfully inadequate. He had breached a trust there, too, and it seemed that there were not words enough to explain. "It was just…you said you were leaving…and you were so _calm_…I guess I freaked out again. I didn't want to lose you."

"So you took one of my limiters? I'm sorry Gojyo, but I'm afraid that's logic even I can't unravel."

"See, I can't really say what I was thinking at the time…I kinda wasn't, really. It sorta seemed like, if I could get you to get mad…out front where I could see it…then you'd hit me or…or something. Then I'd know that it mattered to you…'cause you were so calm…it felt like maybe it didn't matter. Maybe if you got it out of your system, then you'd calm down…and then maybe…you wouldn't leave. Pretty fucking stupid, huh?" He tried to tack a chuckle to the end, but it just sounded fragile and pathetic, even to his own ears.

Hakkai heaved a deep, almost defeated sigh before he answered. "So you thought that, because I was calm, that I wasn't actually hurt, but just angry, is that right?" He paused for the half-breed's response.

"Yeah," he said, then pressed his lips together.

"And it seemed to you, that if I _was_ hurt, if I took that pain out on you, then it would prove that I cared?"

"Yeah."

"Did it ever occur to you that I was controlling my hurt and anger? That perhaps I wanted to lash out at you, but that I refused to do so because I would never be able to forgive myself?" Hakkai was frustrated, now. How could Gojyo have not known that?

"Not at the time," Gojyo answered. "I've always been a selfish bastard, Hakkai. You know that."

For a moment, they sat in silence as thoughts of the things Gojyo had endured in his childhood flooded Hakkai's mind. He could well imagine the abuses heaped upon the young, lonely half-breed boy by the mother who never wanted him. How many times had he tried, in how many ways, to gain her acceptance and her love? How many times had she beaten him down for trying? He shook his head to clear it of the terrible images.

"You really _don't_ know how to be in love, do you? Gojyo, love is _not supposed to hurt._" The youkai's voice was so soft, so gentle, that Gojyo almost didn't hear him. Almost.

He let the words wash over him, seeming to sink in through his skin. _Love is not supposed to hurt_. Some part of him knew it to be true, but his wounded heart refused to believe. Well, _fuck_ that. Gojyo obviously couldn't trust his heart, so he would trust something stronger and smarter. He would trust _Hakkai_. He wasn't even aware of the tears trailing down his cheeks, until long, cool fingers brushed them away with a tender gentleness that engendered still more of them.

"Okay, then," Hakkai stated firmly, and as if he had uttered some magical chant, Gojyo's tears tapered off. "I have one more thing to ask you."

"Uh-huh," the hanyou responded, unable to trust his voice to carry anything more eloquent.

"Gojyo, please look at me." He looked up and stared directly into amazing green eyes, holding his gaze steady as Hakkai continued. "I want to be with you, but you must understand what that means. I will treat this little…_incident_…as an aberration, but make no mistake, Gojyo: _I do NOT share_. I have considered myself as being yours for some time, now. Are you ready to be _mine_?"

"Gods, _yes_."


	7. Chapter 7

Hakkai leaned over to rest his weight on his right arm and unfolded his legs from beneath his body. Gojyo found himself distracted by the rippling of muscle in Hakkai's shoulder as he twisted his body, raising his hips from the bed and rocking forward onto his right knee. He was surprised when the healer quickly pressed in to capture Gojyo's mouth with soft lips in a firm kiss. Before he could react, Hakkai's tongue swiped across his lips, and then darted forward demandingly. Gojyo obediently parted his lips and immediately felt that tongue slide past his teeth, delving deep into his mouth. He groaned helplessly as an intense current coursed down his spine to pool forcefully in his groin. Gods, he had never known anything like this.

For a moment, Gojyo was unmoored, awash in the cascade of feeling borne upon an unexpected kiss. He struggled to find himself, to gather his senses and respond, only to be cast away again when Hakkai's lips left his. Suddenly bereft of the impossibly strong, beguiling sensations his lover had evoked in him, Gojyo forced his eyes to roll open, and found himself immediately adrift in a sea of cool, clear green. Those eyes bore directly into his, giving nothing away, but with an intensity that stilled his heart for a beat. There was something in that look that Gojyo recognized, but could not name. It made no request, no demand, it simply…_expected_.

Hakkai's free hand rose, the tips of his fingers trailing a kind of delicate heat where they touched. Both unable and unwilling to look away, Gojyo allowed himself to simply feel it, the gentleness somehow intensified by the gaze they shared. The warmth disappeared briefly, though it seemed to spread like a wake on water across his flesh, to be replaced by the light pressure of Hakkai's palm against Gojyo's chest.

The color of Hakkai's eyes seemed to deepen, even as the soft vibrations and heat emanating from his touch did the same. Another shock raced through Gojyo's body as Hakkai adjusted his chi and the two fell in sync. Hakkai's expression never changed, but everything was suddenly and completely different. Something in that chi penetrated, that challenged. Gojyo didn't know if it would be enough, but he was ready to offer everything he was in answer. He had never been so scared, or so ready for anything in his life.

Everything else that had happened grew distant now, the pain of the morning fading with that realization. Gojyo released his hesitations and fears. He loved and trusted Hakkai and it was far past time to prove it. His allowed his body to relax and felt the shift in their combined energies as he did so. Hakkai's eyes softened; Gojyo knew that Hakkai understood and slowly, deliberately lowered his eyes.

After a moment, Gojyo risked a tentative glance up. Hakkai's gaze was fixed steadily on him, lit by a small, genuine smile; both held an edge of hunger that sent a shiver down Gojyo's spine. He couldn't remember Hakkai ever looking at him that way before. A kind of thrumming, an almost-sound, rose in Gojyo's ears and rippled across his skin. It was strange, bewildering and bewitching.

Hakkai leaned closer and Gojyo's lips parted in response, the familiar anticipation of Hakkai's kiss now tinged with the thrill of the unknown. A hair's breadth away, Hakkai paused.

"I love you," he breathed against Gojyo's mouth, then pressed soft lips there with a tenderness that utterly broke the hanyou. Tears pricked at his eyes behind closed lids as the absolute truth of Hakkai's words seeped through and filled him, a diffuse glow that gently enveloped his heart. That an affection of such depth and purity existed at all amazed him; that it was meant for him humbled him. That he had betrayed it shamed him painfully. A tear slipped out from beneath his lashes to slide slowly down his cheek. Another followed it and Gojyo just let them come.

With slow, impossibly gentle movements, Hakkai wandered along Gojyo's jaw and down to his neck, trailing fleeting kisses where he went. Gojyo felt the warm swell and wane of their mingled energies with each press of Hakkai's lips to his flesh. His head was swimming in ways that he had never known, making him wonder if it was possible to become drunk from this. The last of his tears clung to his lashes, as precious in their way as diamonds.

Hakkai's hair brushed lightly against Gojyo's cheek as he teased and nipped at neck and ear; the hot rush of breath over his sensitive skin made Gojyo shiver exquisitely. Sensation warred with emotion, pulling him between the strength of his physical desire and the depth of his love. He wanted - oh gods, he wanted so much - to feel Hakkai buried deep inside him, to wrap himself around the beautiful body of the man he adored and to stay there together, forever entwined. Gojyo would happily give up the world to remain here in this room, making love to Hakkai until the end of time.

Hakkai made his way down Gojyo's chest to take one hard nipple into his mouth, lightly catching it between his teeth. When he stroked it with his tongue, Gojyo gave in to sensation. Emotion did not flicker or falter, did not fade into the background. It surrounded and infused them both, heightening, intensifying every touch until Gojyo felt he would run mad with it. Contact was dizzying, but the electric feeling that hovered between them where their skin did not quite meet was even more so. He was drifting in these currents and tides that connected him to his lover.

Being somewhat more used to the consciousness of chi, Hakkai was less overwhelmed than Gojyo, though not by much. This complete merging of self with another was new to him as well. He _was_ able to shift and direct, feeling Gojyo's reactions in every cell of his body and leading him down a path of sensation designed to consume him. Hakkai wanted it all, every breath and moan, every thought and feeling for him alone. Salve for his wounded heart.

With an ease and precision that he had learned from Gojyo, Hakkai reached over to the nightstand beside the bed, opened the drawer and retrieved a small bottle, all without pausing in his ministrations. With lips, teeth and tongue, he kept the hanyou in a state of dazed compliance. The short, sharp pattern of his breath, the tiny bumps on his skin, the whimpers that fell from his lips, all were balm and spur to Hakkai as he moved ever closer to Gojyo's sex. He poured a measure of oil into his hand, judging the amount by feel. Gojyo's reaction to his gentle touches was a wash of colour in Hakkai's mind.

Hakkai pressed a slick finger to Gojyo's entrance, just enough to signal his intentions, while the other hand reached to guide hard flesh toward him. With simultaneous swift movements, Hakkai sheathed Gojyo's cock in his mouth and penetrated his body. The shock of it had Gojyo arching his back; the pleasure of if made him hiss. Hakkai allowed him a moment to adjust before beginning an earnest campaign to drive his lover over the edge of desire.

Keeping his movements slow and deliberate, Hakkai used his lips and tongue to draw moans of pleasure from Gojyo. He worked his hand with a matching rhythm, soon sliding a second finger in beside the first. Gojyo was throwing his head from side to side, tiny pleading mews escaping his throat as his body trembled under Hakkai's tender assault. Gojyo's feelings flooded through their shared energy in waves, intoxicating Hakkai as well; though he resisted, the persistent throbbing in his own sex demanded attention.

Hakkai flicked his tongue across the head of Gojyo's cock - earning a sharp gasp - then released him and straightened. He continued stroking strong fingers in and out, keeping Gojyo riding the pleasure while he located the vial of lube again. When he stopped and pulled away, Gojyo whimpered at the loss. He was nearly insensible now, completely bound by the spell that Hakkai had woven for him, which was as it should be. Hakkai smiled a little at the thought as he coated himself with lube.

Gojyo, wrapped in the double enchantment of love and desire, was confused for just a moment while Hakkai tended to other things. His breath was short, his mind fogged and unsteady. He became aware that his legs were shaking, but that was short-lived. Before he could even begin to think, Hakkai was grabbing him by the thighs and puling him down, to lay flat on the bed. Then there was the heat of skin against the backs of his legs, followed by the insistent press of a slick hardness. Hakkai's need washed over him, naked and so strong that Gojyo struggled to keep from being taken by the tide. He managed to open his eyes and focus long enough to catch and hold a green-eyed gaze as Hakkai pushed forward with uncompromising steadiness until Gojyo had taken every inch.

There was a moment of shift as they each closed their eyes and the frantic, demanding edges of physical craving softened. Gojyo floated on it, cradled in their shared being, and savouring the anticipation of what was to come. Just time enough to catch his breath before Hakkai pulled slowly back, sending ripples of pleasure through Gojyo's body. He knew when that pleasure translated, could feel it echo back to him through the filter of Hakkai's consciousness. When the next measured thrust came, Gojyo let himself go, carried by the current. He was helpless before the force of Hakkai's will, which was quite all right by him.

As Hakkai increased the pace of his movements, he could feel the need rising again, the desire to wipe all the pain away and make Gojyo _his_. He leaned down over Gojyo's body, crouching close on his elbows to thread his fingers in long red hair. Gojyo wrapped his legs around his lover's waist, pulling him closer, deeper. He looked up into Hakkai's eyes. All pretence, all defence was stripped away, given up. This was Gojyo in the raw, and Hakkai knew it. With each roll of Hakkai's hips, with each answering lift of Gojyo's, they fell more into each other.

"Gojyo," Hakkai said, his voice soft but firm, "give yourself to me. Become mine."

Gojyo nodded. His eyes rolled closed of their own accord, his back arching as Hakkai pushed deep into him.

"Say it, Gojyo," he moaned, the physical pleasure of being so tightly sheathed making itself heard in his voice, "Say you belong to me."

"I'm yours," Gojyo panted, "I belong to - _ah!_ - to you."

The words reverberated through Hakkai, settling into the space where Gojyo's betrayal had left a hole in his heart. It wasn't enough. Not nearly enough.

"You're mine," Hakkai growled. Not a question this time. "_Mine_." He punctuated with hard thrusts that elicited gasps from Gojyo.

"Yeah, 'Kai," Gojyo's voice shook, trembling like his body, "Yours…all yours. I sw…I swear."

Hakkai bowed his head to Gojyo's ear.

"You feel _that_," he ground out between clenched teeth, snapping his hips hard, "That's _me_ inside you." Another hard thrust, another gasp. "It's _always_ going to be me. For the rest of our lives, it will be _me_! _Only_ me!"

Gojyo's legs tightened around Hakkai's waist. His cock was trapped between them, and with every thrust, Hakkai was driving him closer to the edge. With every word, he was losing control. The sound of Hakkai's voice in his ear, the force and possessiveness of it, sent waves of heat rolling through him. He rocked up to meet the insistent body moving on his. His heart opened to the words that both demanded and promised forever.

"Yes, Hakkai," he managed to say, through a throat that wanted to close around a rising sob. "Always. Only you. Only…y-" The tears broke his voice. Gojyo placed hands on either side of Hakkai's head , pulling him down to say all the things he couldn't with his kiss.

They moved together, bodies, minds and hearts in unison. Faster, deeper, harder, more…they couldn't get close enough. Skin slid against sweat-slick skin, lips and tongues danced in a fever of need, amplified through energy. Gojyo, completely swept under, couldn't let go even long enough to warn Hakkai that he was going to come. He did so with an unprecedented degree of force and a level of ecstatic release that darkened his vision.

When Hakkai felt the rhythmic contractions of Gojyo's body around him and felt the hot spurt of liquid against his stomach, he completely abandoned any hope of control. Still kissing, Hakkai gasped his release against Gojyo's mouth, shuddering as he came deep inside him.

Each felt each other's climax almost as intensely as his own. The chi connection burst in a tumult of sensation that nearly took their wind completely.

It was some time before either felt up to the task of moving. The westering sun through the window lent the room a soft, warm glow by the time they managed to stumble out of the bed and into the shower. Hakkai was out first, dried and laying in the unused bed when Gojyo emerged. He smiled at Hakkai as the brunet folded back the cover for him. They settled into each other's arms, contented and drowsy in the aftermath of their lovemaking.

Gojyo cleared his throat, then said in a soft voice, "So, this really is forever then, huh?"

Hakkai nodded a little against Gojyo's chest and replied in a sleepy voice, "I'm afraid so, love."

He didn't see the grin that spread across Gojyo's face, or the shining in his eyes.


End file.
